The Quest for the Pulpless Orange Juice
by Eleanor D
Summary: Melee. Our three favorite swordsmen embark on their most dangerous adventure yet: to their local grocery store.
1. Chapter 1

NOTE: THIS STORY IS A RESUBMISSION. I wrote this fic in about tenth grade. It's silly, stupid, random—and was a lot of fun for me to write back then. I recently deleted it from my old account because I was leaving it, but I'm putting it up on this one again because it's nostalgic for me and I've found it gives me a few laughs, even now. If you are reading this story now, four years after I wrote it, and are a little younger than I am or perhaps the same age, I hope you will like it, too, as I and my friends did a few years ago.

Oh, yeah—keep in mind this fic was written in the Melee era. This means it contains Effeminate!Marth, Pyromaniac!Roy…well, Roy in general, actually. It was 2005, folks. It was still cool back then.

Enjoy!

* * *

**The Quest for the Pulpless Orange Juice **

**Starring:**

**Marth**, the smart one!

**Link**, the not-so-smart one!

And **Roy**, the morally questionable one!

**xxx **

**Disclaimer: **Don't own nothin'. Period. (Marth rips his hair out at the awful grammar.)

**Rating:** K Plus (Maybe a few profanities, mildish violence, some really weird stuff, and Roy making little kids cry.)

**xxx **

**Chapter 1: Let's go to the Store!**

One fine and glorious day, a piercing scream is heard throughout the land…

"_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

The ever-alert red-haired fire-and-pointy-object-loving swordsman, Roy, leaped up from his bed and dashed downstairs as fast as he could to the kitchen. There, he found Link in front of the open refrigerator, a blood-curdling wail emitting from his lips.

"Link!" Roy exclaimed, concerned by his friend's behavior. "What's wrong? Is Ganondorf taking over the world? Did Zelda dump you? Did you run out of hair gel? Did they cancel 'Power Rangers'?"

Link finally stopped wailing and sniffed unhappily. "No, it's—wait, did you just say they _canceled 'Power Rangers'? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

"No, no!" Roy reassured him. "I was just wondering what you were yelling about."

"Oh, thank goodness—you really had me scared, Roy!" Link said, looking relieved. "What I was yelling about was…_there's no more pulpless orange juice left! There's only the demonic pulpy kind! We're all gonna die! The universe is gonna explode! All the rainforests are gonna be cut down and the blue-footed lemurs will go extinct! AHH—_"

"Would you _please_ stop that racket!" Marth exclaimed exasperatedly. He was sitting at the table, the daily newspaper spread out before him. "I am _trying_ to do today's Jumble, if you don't mind! Sheesh!" He harrumphed, and mumbled something about how newspaper puzzles never got the respect they deserved nowadays.

Roy rolled his eyes and turned back to Link, looking distraught. "Why don't you just go to the grocery store and get some more?" the swordsman suggested—as if it was the obvious solution, the fool!

"What!" Link said. "I can't go there…an evil lurks there…an evil so…_evil_…that…that…" He thought for a second. "…that it's _evil_. Plus, the prices are outrageous!"

Roy sighed. "All right, how about I go with you? Would that make you feel better?"

Link brightened. "Oh yes! Thank you Roy! You're the best!" With that, he enveloped Roy in his strong arms, and the trees sang and the bees buzzed and the birds flew about and the little unicorns danced and all was divine—

"Link? Could you get off me?" Roy asked, a little disturbed by Link's sudden display of affection.

Link immediately let Roy go, his face turning a furious hue of red. "Oh, right…sorry."

Link looked down at his feet, and Roy looked down at his. An awkward silence washed over the place.

The awkward silence continued.

And continued some more.

And continued a bit longer, until…

"BY GOLLY, I FIGURED IT OUT! IT'S 'NOVA SCOTIA'!" shouted Marth, leaping up from his seat and mercifully breaking the long awkward silence. Link and Roy breathed a sigh of relief, because they were starting to get dizzy from staring down at their feet for so long.

"Anyway, sure I'll go with you to the grocery store! I need to pick up some matches and things myself," Roy explained.

"Why do you need matches?" Link asked.

"Uh…no reason…," Roy muttered, hiding behind his back the illegal fireworks he was planning to set off in Marth's room.

Link nodded eagerly. "Okay, sounds good! Let's go!"

Roy looked over to Marth, who was dancing on top of the table excitedly because he had figured out the Jumble, which had been a particularly challenging one that day. It had had words such as 'haircut' and 'masculine,' which he hadn't really heard of before.

"Marth!" Roy barked at him. "Stop dancing around like an idiot and come with us!"

Marth reluctantly hopped off the table. "You want me to go with you because of my excellent shopping knowledge and ability to sniff out good deals, do you?" the effeminate royal smirked at the red-haired boy.

"No; you have the car keys, that's why," Roy replied flatly.

"Oh," Marth said, slightly deflated. "Okay, let's—Link? Why do you need your sword with you to go to the grocery store?" He raised a waxed eyebrow at Link, who was dressed in complete battle attire and carrying his sword deftly.

"Something is going to happen at that grocery store," Link replied darkly. "I can _smell_ it!"

"Oh, that's just my new perfume," Marth said, flipping back his hair. "Nice, isn't it? I think it's 'Sandalwood and Misty Rain Cucumber Deluxe Mix'." With that, he brushed passed Link and Roy and pranced out the door, singing about how he needed to buy some more 'Melon-Lavender-Citrus-Fruit Puree' lotion.

Roy merely shrugged at Link and followed Marth. However, Link paused before going out himself.

"I _know_ something bad is going to happen at that grocery store…but no matter what it is, it shall not stop me from completing my mission—_to obtain the pulpless orange juice!_" Link declared dramatically, raising his sword above his head. Then he realized he was alone in the room.

"Aw man…no one's ever around when I say cool stuff," he grumbled. Link carefully put his sword back in his sheath, made sure his elf-hat was securely attached to his head, pulled up his tights as high as he could, and ran out to catch up with Marth and Roy.

With that, the three brave swordsmen embarked on their seemingly harmless quest to (just in case you missed it before) _obtain the pulpless orange juice._

And maybe score some sweet half-price deals on laundry detergent. Gotta love those savings!

**xxx**

Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Mmm…Supa-Pulpy!**

"All right, here's the plan: Link, you go in through the left automatic door and take over the meat and dairy aisle. Marth, you go in through the right automatic door and guard the cleaning and home care products. Me, I'll go in through the front, circle around, and end up in snack food and chips. Got it? Okay men; move out!"

"Uh, Roy? I don't think we need a battle plan to go grocery store shopping," Link commented. The three swordsmen were standing in the parking lot of the huge grocery store, the Food Mongoose.

"Oh." Roy scratched his head. "Sorry. Old habit, I guess."

"Come on guys—I have some hairspray coupons, and I'm burning to use 'em!" Marth squealed. "Let's go on inside!" With that, he ran in through the doors of the grocery store, Link and Roy following closely behind.

"Food Mongoose?" Link scoffed. "What a stupid name!" However, Link didn't have much time to laugh, because he tripped and fell on his face. Link should know it is not wise to make fun of a name the author came up with (_all by herself_). It makes her mad.

Roy helped Link up, and together they walked though the sliding doors. Once they got inside, they were blasted with the too-high air conditioning, and their ears were bombarded with the obnoxious overhead loudspeaker, saying how there was assistance needed for a Popsicle clean-up in aisle seven. A guy dressed in a giant pink mongoose costume was handing out balloons, and little children ran around screaming. The place just reeked of evil.

Again, Link pulled out his sword. "I swear," he murmured, "I will defeat whatever wickedness curses this place, and then I shall obtain the pulpless orange juice! Come Marth, come Roy, let us—" He then realized Marth and Roy had already left without him again, and several people were staring at him. Link sighed deeply. "It's just not fair." Once again putting away his sword in defeat, Link ran off in search of the orange juice section.

Meanwhile in the Grilling Accessories aisle, Roy was looking for matches and other flame-inducing instruments. However, he soon noticed a little girl staring at him.

He tried to ignore her staring by comparing prices on different brands of lighter fluid, but she just kept on staring, and staring, and staring, and staring, and staring. Finally, Roy could take no more.

"What's your problem, kid?" he grunted at her.

"Why are you wearing a dress, mister?" she asked innocently, pulling the teddy bear she was holding close to her and opening her eyes as wide as they would go.

However, a little known fact about Roy: He is resistant to the cuteness of young children, no matter how wide they open their little eyes and how close they hug their little teddy bears. For this reason, Roy can seem a little, uh, _harsh_ at times, to put it mildly.

"It's not a _dress_," Roy snarled. "It's a, uh…a long over-shirt…thing. Yeah. But why would you care anyway? Huh, ya little _punk_? Got a problem with my clothes, little punk?" He glared at the little girl.

She burst into tears. "WAAAAHHHHHHH! You're a meanie! WAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Another little known fact about Roy: When he hears a kid crying, he erupts into a mad outburst of homicidal rage.

"_GAAAAAHHH!_" Roy emitted a primal roar. "_Come here, you little kid! YOU SHALL PERISH!_"

"AHHHHHHH!" the little girl screamed, and ran away as fast as she could. Roy went to chase her, but suddenly his mad outburst of homicidal rage ended. He stood in the aisle feeling confused and holding two cans of light fluid, one three dollars and ninety-five cents (without tax), and the other at half the price (for a limited time ONLY!).

"Where am I?" he asked himself. Roy looked around him. All the people in the aisle were staring at him fearfully and slowly inching away. Roy just shrugged and thought nothing of it. People always seemed to be afraid of him. Who knows why that was.

Carrying an abundant supply of lighter fluid, matches, and other assorted flammable items, Roy moseyed out of the Grilling Accessories aisle. He then began searching for the only real reason people go to the grocery store: The Candy and Other Sugary Confections aisle!

While Roy was off scaring children out of their socks and Marth was who knows where, Link was wandering around in confusion. Not that he didn't do that normally, because Link wasn't exactly the sharpest paring knife in the cutlery drawer; but right now, he felt even more lost than usual.

Link ambled down the Frozen Dinners, Fish Sticks, and Imported Sorbets aisle, even though he had been through it several times before. He just liked looking at all the pictures on the boxes of the families happily smiling over the slabs of meat that look so nice on the package but actually look like a load of crap once you take them out and microwave them. They all made him think of a life he had never had, one where he could sit around a dinner table and talk with his loved ones, and—

Suddenly Link, not looking where he was going, bumped straight into someone. He found himself face-to-face with the Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive (according to his badge). He did not look very happy.

"Excuse me, sir," the Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive sniffed in a high, nasally voice. "But you have been wandering around the store aimlessly for quite some time now, and at Food Mongoose, we do not allow that. Bad for business, you know."

Link looked him straight in the eye. "My name is Link, and I am on a mission…_to obtain the pulpless orange juice_," the noble swordsman proclaimed, unsheathing his sword and waving it majestically.

The Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive's frown deepened. "Yeah, um…that thing you're doing, with the sword? Not allowed."

Link dejectedly put away his sword. "Did I sound cool, at least?"

The Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive shook his head no. "That's not allowed, either. Frightens the customers."

"Can you at least tell me where to find the orange juice?" Link asked exasperatedly.

"I'm afraid that's classified information, sir." The Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive turned and left to go yell at his employees and not give them raises for fun.

Link decided to just wander about until he found the orange juice aisle. He entered the next row and walked along it quietly, but he soon began to realize that the shelves were filled with cartons of…orange juice! It dawned on Link that he had found the orange juice aisle at long last! It was a miracle! Hallelujah and all that jazz!

However, Link inspected one of the orange juice labels more closely. He was horrified when he found it read "X-TRA PULPY!" He hurriedly looked to the next carton; that one read "MEGA PULPY ACTION!" He began running down the row, reading all the orange juice labels, and becoming more worried with each one: "YUM YUM! LOTSA PULP!", "ALL PULP—JUICE FREE!", "ADDED PULP! CONTAINS NO CYANIDE THIS TIME!", "SUPA-PULP! 'WE WERE FINALLY APPROVED BY THE FDA' SPECIAL CELEBRATION CARTON!", and finally, the worst of the bunch in Link's opinion: "PULP-FREE…HAHA! JUST KIDDING, LOSER!"

When Link finally came to the end of the row, he collapsed in defeat. "_They're all…pulpy…there is no…pulpless…left! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

Oh no…what will Link do? Will our valiant hero fail his quest? Is the world pulpless-orange-juice-less _forever_? Find out in the next installment of "The Quest for the Pulpless Orange Juice"!

**xxx**

Wow, try saying that five times fast…

Pulplessorangejuicelesspulplessorangejuicelesspulplessorangejuicelesspulplessorangejuiceless…

Anyway, thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Second-to-last chapter. :)

**Chapter 3: "Hey, that guy stole my Kumquat and Haggis Wraps!"**

"Excuse me, sir, would like to try a free sample?"

Roy swiftly turned around to see who was talking to him. A young woman dressed in the blue Food Mongoose uniform held a tray of unidentifiable pieces of who-knows-what out towards him.

Roy eyed the tray suspiciously. "What _are_ they?" he asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Why, they are our special Kumquat and Haggis Wraps! They're a real treat!" the lady explained, smiling an impossibly wide smile.

Roy's eyes gleamed with excitement. "Really? I absolutely adore kumquats and haggis!" he exclaimed. Apparently, Roy has, um…_sophisticated_ tastes. And hopefully some very strong antacid pills.

"Would you like one?" the lady asked, handing a wrap to Roy.

"Why, thank you!" Roy swallowed it in one gulp. "Mmm…delicious!"

Roy looked down at the tray filled with the remaining wraps. Now he had a serious craving for more kumquats and haggis. Roy quickly devised a plan to distract the woman and steal the tray from her.

"Hey," he said suddenly, pointing to the front of the store. "Did I just see _Brad Pitt_ walk in here?" He got ready to swipe the tray.

But the lady just looked at him strangely. "Who's Brad Pitt?" she asked him.

Roy gaped at her. "You don't know who Brad Pitt is?" he said incredulously.

"No idea!" was her cheerful reply.

Roy, however, did not abandon his plan. He tried again. "What I meant to say was 'Did I just see _Orlando Bloom_ walk in here?' You do know who Orlando Bloom is, right?"

"Not a clue!" the woman chirped.

"Okay…how about Tom Cruise?"

"Nope!"

"Oprah Winfrey?"

"Nuh-uh!"

"George W. Bush?"

"Nothing!"

"_Santa Clause?_"

The woman just smiled at Roy blankly.

"Lady, you need to get out more often," he commented to her. However, Roy wasn't one to give up very easily. He decided to try one last time.

"Hey, is that _Big Bird_ from _Sesame Street_ I just saw walk in here?" Roy exclaimed.

The lady's eyes grew wide. "OHMYGODWHERE!" she shrieked, dropping the tray and looking around crazily. "ILOVEBIGBIRRRRD!"

Roy stared at the woman in disbelief, but not for long. Without a moment to spare, he snatched up the tray of Kumquat and Haggis Wraps and ran off with them, laughing wildly. He dashed as fast as he could into the next aisle to hide and celebrate his victory.

"Ah, sheep intestines—one of life's true gifts!" Roy declared, eagerly stuffing a few of the exotic morsels in his mouth. "Nothing could be better than—" Suddenly, Roy realized what aisle he was in…the Candy aisle!

"SUGAR!" he screamed, completely forgetting about everything else. Apparently, when Roy sees sugar, he can only think about one thing: Eating it. He proceeded to demolish the candy aisle to the best of his abilities.

Meanwhile, over on the opposite end of the grocery store Link was sitting on the floor of the orange juice aisle, lost in depression.

"_No more pulpless orange juice_," he sobbed. "_All is lost…the world must be coming to an end…I regret nothing…except eating those chicken nuggets that one time at McDonald's…we're all doomed…we—_wait! What's that I see?" Link quickly sat up.

On the other side of the aisle, a single carton of orange juice stood alone on the shelf. A lone light seemingly from heaven above shone down on it; the light was so pure, all others seemed dim in comparison—actually, all the other lights had burnt out on that side of the aisle, due to bad wiring. But that one still glowed brightly, illuminating the orange juice carton with such blatant symbolism that even Link could see this was what he had been looking for.

"Could it be?…" Link whispered, quickly leaping to his feet and grabbing the carton. Sure enough, Link read the holy words inscribed on the shiny surface: "_Pure and_ _Pulp-free Orange Juice! The choice orange juice of saints and professional athletes such as Lance Armstrong!_"

Link raised the carton above his head triumphantly. "At long last, I have found it!" he proclaimed. "The pulpless orange ju—WHAT THE HELL?" Link gaped at the price label on the carton. "_19.95 for a freaking thirty-two ounces of ORANGE JUICE? What a rip-off!_"

Link glared at the orange juice angrily, but after a while he gave a deep sigh.

"That's the price I have to pay for saving the world," he grumbled. With that, Link tucked the enormously overpriced carton under his arm and started off in search of his fellow swordsmen.

Back in the Sugary Confections aisle, Roy was not concerned with prices very much; all he cared about was that he consume as much candy as he possibly could until he either passed out into a fructose-and-artificial-flavoring-induced coma, or was caught. Unfortunately for Roy, the latter happened first.

Walking down the Candy aisle, a Food Mongoose employee spotted Roy, who by now had already devoured all the Mars Bars, M&M's, Three Musketeers, the Regular Skittles, the Tropical Fruit Skittles, those freaky Sour Skittles, Jolly Rangers, and Bit O'Honeys; he was now starting on some three-month-old Marshmallow Peeps.

"What on earth are you doing?" the employee exclaimed. He gave Roy a stern look. "You'll have to pay for all this, you know!"

Roy paused from biting off a stale pink marshmallow bunny's head to desperately think of a way out of this mess. He decided to go with his previous method.

"Hey, did I just see _Big Bird_ walk in here?"

The employee just smiled smugly. "That might work on some less-experienced employees, but not me, you—"

"Hey, did I just see _Brad Pitt_ walk in here?"

"OHMYGODWHERE?" the man squealed, looking around excitedly. Roy took this opportunity to bolt, but not without grabbing as many bags of sugary stuff as he could. Running as fast as was possible carrying 45 pounds of candy, Roy rammed right into Marth at the deli counter.

"OW! Roy!" Marth said sternly. "I know that you're happy to see me and all, but I am trying to negotiate here!" He turned back to glare angrily at the butcher. "Now as I was saying…_how_ can you not have any tenderloin? Do you expect me to make my beef stroganoff with a _side flank_?" he exclaimed, waving a package of raw meat in the butcher's face.

The butcher shrugged. "Listen, lady—"

"_For the twenty-third time, I'm a guy! I just have long-ish hair, okay?_"

The butcher rolled his eyes. "Listen, sir, I'm just doin' my job. We don't have any tenderloin or whatever, okay?"

Marth was fuming. "Savages!" he exclaimed. "Primates! 'No tenderloin'…what's wrong with you?"

Just as Marth was about to shout out a few profanities and Roy was starting on his third bag of Twizzlers, Link came running over, carrying the pulpless orange juice victoriously.

"Roy! Marth!" Link said excitedly. "I found it! I found the—"

"You'll pay for this, deli boy!" Marth, not even noticing Link, snarled. "Come on Roy, let's go to the checkout aisle—_and there's no way I'm paying for these, by the way!_" he cried, waving several packages of filet mignon at the butcher.

The butcher, as you can imagine, was not very happy at this. "I'm gonna get you, little girl…er, boy!" he growled, taking out a huge meat cleaver. "Nobody steals my meat and lives!"

Marth merely narrowed his eyes. "BITE ME!" he shouted, and took off running with the stolen beef.

Roy took one look at the six-inch blade the butcher was wielding and decided this would be a good time for him to depart as well. He gathered up all his supplies and dashed off after Marth.

Link stood glaring after Marth and Roy. "I never get any action!" he vented. "No one ever pays attention to me! I—" Link suddenly noticed the butcher waving the meat cleaver at him menacingly. "—Eep!"

With that, Link shot off after Marth and Roy, deciding it was better to be ignored than it was to be the 'Hylian Hamburger Special' in the deli case.

Little did he know that the most difficult test was yet to come…getting through those horribly long lines at the checkout counter!

**xxx**

_Snnniiiiiiifffffffffff!_ Ahhh, can't you just smell that suspense?

Yeah, I know…this story has like, three climaxes. Ah well…climaxes are fun, right?

(silence)

Rigggghht?

(more silence)

Rigggghht.

Anyway, thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Last chapter, w00t, w00t.

**xxx**

**Chapter 4: 50 Percent Off and 100 Percent Insane**

"How fast does the speed of light travel in inches per nanosecond?"

"What is the rate at which all objects fall to the earth?"

"What is E equals MC squared?"

"What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"ARRRRRRGGGG!" Link cried out. "How on earth are you supposed to figure out how to work these dang self-checkout computers?"

Link, Roy, and Marth, having waited in line for exactly 47 minutes, had finally made it to the front of the self-checkout aisle to buy their groceries. Link, however, seemed to be having trouble with the computer.

"Now it's asking me what the quadratic equation is!" he exclaimed, looking at the computer screen fearfully.

Marth gave an exasperated sigh. "Honestly, Link—it's not _that_ hard. Step aside and let me do it," he said, shoving Link out of the way.

"Hmph," Link grumbled. "These self-checkout lines are the most stupidest things ever invented!"

Marth suddenly turned to look at him sharply. "What did you say?"

Link gave him a confused look. "I said, 'These self-checkout lines are the most stupidest things ever invented'. Why?"

Marth's expression darkened. "'_Most stupidest'? 'MOST STUPIDEST'?"_ he exclaimed, his voice trembling with rage.

"Yeah…," Link said, getting a little freaked out by his friend's odd behavior. "So? …Marth? …Marth, why are you staring at me like that?…"

"'_MOST STUPIDEST'?_" Marth shouted. His eyes began to glow a frightening red color. "_Do you know what that is? That's a DOUBLE SUPERLATIVE—ONE OF THE WORST GRAMMATICAL ERRORS YOU CAN MAKE!"_

Now for a little-known fact about Marth: Whenever he hears someone make a grammatical error, he transforms into **Super Mega Grammar Marth**. And **Super Mega Grammar Marth** likes to do one thing: hurt people who use incorrect grammar.

"_GAAAAHHHHHH!_" **Super Mega Grammar Marth** howled. "_YOU SHALL SUFFER, OFFENDER!_" With that, he shoved Link into a display of Frozen Fruit Pops and proceeded to beat him senseless.

Roy didn't seem too concerned by all this, as he himself had fallen victim to **Super Mega Grammar Marth**'s wrath several times. Instead, he started scanning all the groceries to buy.

Roy scanned Link's item first.

"Pulpless. Orange. Juice. Nineteen Dollars. And. Ninety-Five. Cents," the monotonous voice of the computer read to him.

"Whoa, 19.95 for some orange juice? That's pricey," Roy commented. He rolled his eyes as he heard Link give out a shriek because Marth was trying to bite his ear off. "That crazy elf…he thinks only the most expensive stuff is good enough for him."

Next Roy started scanning Marth's groceries, which included hairspray, shiny purple and pink nail polish, sixteen bottles of mousse, fingernail files, ladies' razors, several makeup compacts, one of those trashy romance novels you always find at grocery stores, some old _Vogue_ magazines, and a box of Lucky Charms cereal.

"Mmm…Lucky Charms," Roy said. He wasn't too disturbed by the other stuff Marth had gotten; after all, it wasn't nearly as bad as the time Marth, for some unknown reason, had bought a box of pregnancy tests at the store.

Finally, Roy started scanning in his stuff. Lighters of assorted colors…a sixty pack of matches…six cans of lighter fluid…a 64-ounce container of gasoline…a bottle of chloroform…several two-pound packages of assorted candies… hard liquor…and some cocktail sauce.

"Your. To-tal. Comes. To. Three. Hundred. And. Sev-en. Cents," the robotic voice informed Roy.

"Marth, can I use your credit card?" Roy called to Marth, who paused from punching Link in the face for a moment.

"Oh yeah, sure," Marth said. He got out his wallet and tossed Roy his MasterCard. "Here it is…_NOW PREPARE TO DIE, YOU GRAMMAR-ABUSING ELF!_"

"Thanks." Roy swiped the card in the slot, but the machine did nothing. Thinking he had done it wrong, he swiped it again; but still, nothing happened.

Suddenly, Roy heard a chilling laugh emanating from the computer. Hearing the noise, Marth stopped smashing Link into a pulp and looked up. Link leaped up from the ground, yanked out the Frozen Fruit Pop Marth had jammed up his nose, and pointed at the computer.

"I knew it!" Link exclaimed. "I knew something evil was in this grocery store! It's the self-checkout computer!"

The computer laughed its scary laugh again. "Mua ha ha ha ha! He's right…I _am_ evil! And I don't accept credit cards!" the computer remarked to Roy. "MUA HA HA HA HAAA!"

But Roy just rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's _reaaaal_ evil, all right," he said sarcastically. "Do you accept checks, then? Because I think I have some right here, with the cute little puppies and kittens and ducks on them—"

"IT DOESN"T MATTER, FOOL!" the computer cackled, cutting Roy off. "BECAUSE NOW I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!"

"Huh?" Roy raised his eyebrows doubtfully. "How are you going to eat our brains? You're a computer!"

The computer paused, seeming to think for a second. "Okay, I changed my mind!" it announced. "Instead, I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

"We will not let you do that!" Link exclaimed, majestically drawing his sword from its sheath. Roy also pulled out his sword, and Marth whipped out his pink Barbie hairdryer, which he always had with him in case of emergencies.

Link looked at Roy's sword in puzzlement. "I thought you left your sword at home, Roy! How did you get it here?"

"A plot hole, Link!" Roy explained to him. "They are very handy in times of danger!"

"Ah," Link said, nodding in agreement. He turned back to the evil self-checkout computer. "Prepare to eat shiny sharpened metal, you demonic piece of hardware!"

"HA!" scoffed the computer. "There is nothing you can defeat me with! Nothing I say! NOTHING!"

Suddenly Marth growled darkly. "Did you just say 'There is nothing you can defeat me with?'"

The computer stopped its evil and highly annoying laughter. "Yes," it answered Marth. "So what?"

"So…" Marth's eyes darkened to a blood-red color. "So…_YOU JUST ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION, THAT'S WHAT!_" With that, Marth again morphed into **Super Mega Grammar Marth**!

The evil self-checkout computer was no more than a small pile of rubble and wires in a matter of seven seconds.

The whole store, which by now had gathered around the self-checkout lane to watch the amazing battle, burst into applause for Marth.

"Thank you, thank you," Marth said, bowing. "That should teach you all to use proper grammar. Imagine, ending a sentence with a preposition—preposterous!"

Meanwhile, Link was positively cheesed off. "Here I am, the Hero of Time," he fumed, "who obtained the pulpless orange juice _all by himself_, and pretty-boy _Marth_ gets the fame?" Link then spotted Roy, who in celebration of Marth's victory was making out with a little old lady. "Oh, that does it—Marth gets the action, Roy gets the romance, and what do I get? Some lousy over-priced carton of orange juice!" He brandished his sword in anger. "It's not fair!"

Link did not get much time to gripe, however, because just then he spotted the Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive running towards him. "Hey, you!" he shouted at Link angrily. "What did I tell you about waving your sword like that?"

"Uh-oh…" Link said.

Meanwhile, Marth was basking in the glow of his victory, until the butcher he had stolen the filet-mignons from earlier came up behind him. Growling, the butcher held his very sharp meat cleaver to Marth's throat.

"Uh-oh…" Marth said.

Roy had been disco dancing with some of the senior citizens, but suddenly he caught site of the Food Mongoose employee he had tricked in the Candy aisle running towards him.

"There's the guy that made me think Brad Pitt was here!" The man pointed at Roy with an accusing finger.

"Uh-oh!" Roy said.

Just then, the free samples lady from earlier ran up as well.

"There's the guy that stole my Kumquat and Haggis Wraps!" she shrieked.

"Uh-oh!" Roy said again.

Then the little girl he had frightened ran towards Roy with a team of parents and employees following her.

"There's the evil boy that threatened to get me!" she sobbed.

"Uh-oh!" Roy said yet again.

Roy, Marth, and Link all looked at each other and nodded. They got out their weapons.

…And proceeded to run out of that grocery store as fast as they could carrying three-hundred dollars worth of groceries.

"Ah, another successful adventure for the three swordsmen!" Roy stated.

"I know!" Marth agreed. "I saved fifty percent on my hairspray! What a deal!"

xxx

After they returned home, Roy was looking through the refrigerator when he found a carton of orange juice.

"Link!" Roy called. "You didn't have to buy that orange juice earlier! We already had the pulp-free kind in here all along!" He showed Link the carton.

"What!" Link exclaimed. "You mean I went through all that for nothing?"

"I guess so," Roy replied.

"BY GOLLY, THAT'S IT! IT'S 'ORANGE JUICE'!" Marth shouted. Link and Roy gave him a look. "Sorry," Marth said. "In today's crossword puzzle."

Link turned back to Roy. "I actually don't mind I did all that for nothing," he mused.

With that, Link took out the container of oj he had gotten that day, opened it, and drank some straight from the carton. "Ahh," he said. "One of life's true gifts—pure, pulpless, one-hundred-percent-from-concentrate orange juice!"

Link went to the pantry to get out a bag of spicy guacamole chips, his favorite. However, when he looked around for them, he discovered something horrendous.

There were no spicy guacamole chips left.

"_We're out of spicy guacamole chips?_ _AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

THE END

**xxx**

Thank you for reading!


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